No, it’s not a typo.

I hate doing the blog out of order but feel I probably should just so that I can catch you up on where we are and what has been going on.  As a matter of fact, it really bothers me that I am unable to keep up on this - I'm usually pretty good at it.  I should have known from the last trip that I wouldn't be able to be super good at it but at least a week behind does not rub me the right way.

We headed out to Hadrian’s wall – 40 minutes behind schedule.  That already fucked us.  Since we’re in England, proper fucked.

Nothing – directions, GPS, signs, seemed to match and so, we saw pieces of Hadrian’s wall as we drove and we finally go to the location of Vindolandia (I think that’s the spelling).  First of all, I do have to admit, the wall is impressive.  I’m sure they killed lots of locals using them as slave labor to make it but it is up on a ridge and it’s pretty cool to see.  Vindolandia was a Roman settlement and it too was impressive.  At least the small amount of it that we were able to see.  We paid to get in and then barely spent 45 minutes there because we wanted to be sure to get to Newcastle Airport to return the car and get the McNeill shitshow set up for the flight.

We had no problems with the car return and headed in to the airport.  Did relatively well through security – I of course get “randomly” patted down.  I asked the guy if it was because of my Liverpool sweatshirt.  He laughed and said that they pat down anyone not in black and white stripes. 

There was a “beer garden” in the airport so we went there and got some beer – ok I got some beer and they had some seltzer.  Had a few snacks and then when it was time headed to the gate.  Of course, once we are ready to go, there are about 3,000 steps down to get on the plane.  Some nice older guy held the front of the cart with the two car seats while I took the heavy end, then Jess did it on the way up into the plane.  They had to ask people to switch seats so that Jess could sit with Malcolm and I could sit with Neil.  People were pretty good about it – and why not, Malcolm was charming the pants off her – she ditched her husband and watched him the two time Jess had to pee.

The flight went well.  Neil played on his iphone (Jess’ old one) and watched a few videos – I was able to finally read some stuff for work.  I should be reading more but I say screw it, it will be three weeks of hell when I get back to get everything in order. 

Getting out and through customs wasn’t too bad.  One of the guys was a miserable dick and Jess says, “Oh, I like your glasses.”  She always tries to schmooze them.  The guy next to him raised his eyebrows and made a face because our guys didn’t even flinch.

So, we get through, get some Euros and go to get our car.  It’s about 7:20 now…

We get to the EuropCar spot and wait…the boys are doing pretty good roaming around and behaving but it’s getting later.  They’re hungry.  I pull some rice cake shit out of one of the bags and give it to them.  They’re ok with it because they are fucking starving.  It’s getting later.  Jess finally completes the paperwork end of it and we are waiting for the car. 

Some beat up hunk of shit 1992 car starts pulling up and I say, “There it is!” But it wasn’t.  I wish it was because it would have probably had more room.  We get a Punto.  I don’t even remember who makes it. 

Jess does the installing  of the car seats and we are getting ready to go.  It is about 8:45 now – at least.  I call the girl for the next place – no, wait, she calls to see where we are and I tell her that we are just getting on the road.

So, here we are the ride from Faro to Lagos.  Jess is worried because it is so late and the boys haven’t eaten.  Neither have I.  After a few miles, we stop and she goes in to some gas station place that has all sorts of other food.  She comes out with a few things – and the boys each have this massive square thing with sesame seeds on the top.  She’s not sure what exactly is inside.  We’re back off again. 

Neil is talking gibberish and asking what they speak in Portugal, so we tell him Portuguese.  Now, we’re all delirious and mixing a ton of words together.  Portguese-say…and many others.  After a while on the road, we are close.  We don’t use the directions that the girl gives us.  The roads are so new that at least one roundabout is not on there and we miss our turn.  Neil announces that he has to pee.  We finally pull over because Jess and I have to argue about where to pull over.  I get him out and he does his business.  Jess tells/asks,  “Should I pull a U-ey here?”  I don’t think it is a good idea, she does, so she does it.  As she goes into her three point turn, she can’t get the car in reverse.  About 20 seconds later she starts bugging and traffic starts queuing.  Another 20 seconds or so later she figures it out and is talking about some ring underneath – she just had to figure out what it was.  I’m sure that the 40 or so cars that lined up on either side of the road were happy to know that she finally figured it out.   

We met the girl in front of the Tivoli Hotel – she was on her scooter and we start to follow her.  I look at Jess and say, “This is like being in a movie.”  No joke, maybe 500 feet later, she pulls over and tells us to park.  Really, we couldn’t just meet you at the apartment. 

Jess doesn’t want to try to parallel park on the street because it was tight and there were cars on both sides – it was a one lane one way.  So we roll back and stop traffic again so that she can go on the side street and park on the hill. 

This is also not a quality driving decision on her part.  We get inside, everyone is delirious and we are getting kids ready for bed and doing all that and by the time they are both in, it is 11:30 – we’re all exhausted and Jess is testing family members to see how she can possibly get the car to move forward.  She’s freaking out – more so because I can’t go outside and watch her to make sure she doesn’t slide back into anything – specifically, the building she’s parked next to. 

I listen….

and wait….

And do hear anything.  Ok, this must be good – and it is, she’s back in and relieved and comfortable that she can figure it out and do it again in the morning.

Tuesday, July 14:  The Brazen Bull

We got up and out really late.  Everyone wanted to sleep.  Especially me, I could have definitely slept real late.  I don’t think we did, but we did take our time getting out of the apartment in the morning.  We were able to eat some pastries.





This was probably not a good idea since the living room and kitchen area were really small and the boys were on top of one another without much to do.  





They were really just in each other’s faces and it was hot.  Neil was ripping beach toys away from Malcolm.  Malcolm was swinging them at Neil.  Neil was holding Malcolm and “hugging” him.  Malcolm was climbing everywhere and going into the area in the kitchen where the two gas tanks are.  Neil is hitting Malcolm.  Neil is hitting him again…you get the picture.

Fucking Africa hot. 

It’s boiling.  We decided to do the Rick Steves walk around the town.  It was fucking hot.  

The boys were still out of whack from the night before - cranky and horrible.  Neil was delirious and didn't want to do anything.  If I knew Portugal turned 3 1/2 year old boys into 14 year old girls we wouldn't have come.  He didn't want to do anything and was super cranky.  If Malcolm was getting attention, Neil wanted it.  If we wanted to get him into the backpack, he didn’t want to.  If we wanted to stop and get in the shade, he didn’t want to.  If we wanted him to drink some water, he didn’t want to. 

We saw a number of things in the town, the cathedral, the place of the first slave markets in Europe (which was covered with scaffolding and was having work done) we saw some other church, a square and some fucking canal.  It was hot.  Like 98.  There’s no shade.

Jess continued to torture us by deciding we should go down by said fucking canal and try to buy some towels so that we could go to the beach later.  She tried to haggle with the vendors and they wouldn’t budge.  Probably because they’re pissed off because it is so fucking hot.  Jess was surprised at the zero haggle, I was not.  It’s fucking hot. 

We headed back after our torturous walk and got the boys in to take a nap. We were fucking exhausted and wanted to kill them and each other.

We got the boys up at 5 ish and headed down to the beach in town.  We walked there - it was about 6:50 when we got there - it was pretty empty and windy. The water was freezing - but nice. I needed to go in by myself - too slow is no good - but with Neil I couldn't do that, I need to run in and dive right in - so he jumped over the waves for a while.  Malcolm had a good time trying to sneak handfuls of sand into his mouth.  We had to stay split up because there were a few shady people on the beach and we needed to watch our stuff and keep it from blowing everywhere.

We stopped at the apartment to change out of our bathing suits and then went to go eat.  Jess had read about some place in Time Out (I think) so we headed there.  There were two guys in front of us waiting and they said 5-10 min. Outside on the line waiting was bizarre.  People were lining up and there were quite a few weirdos. Malcolm was flirting with lots of women.  Roving dogs wandered the streets looking for cats or small children to eat.  After 40 minutes and one group with reservations we finally got in.  We were gonna do takeaway because we figured the Mcneill shitshow would cause a ruckus in there - but didn't - food was really good and cheap - the boys behaved pretty well.  I got a pork dish Jess got some rice with veggies and pasta with shrooms and Neil had pizza. Malcolm ate everything as he usually does. Garbage can McNeill. The place was packed and the one waitress they had was all over the place - she got our order right – much to her credit and her limited English and our non-existent Portuguese - which was good and the food was just perfect.

We walked back and got everyone to bed.  It was really late again.  No showers, fuck it.

Wednesday, July 15:  The Iron Maiden

Neil slept late and we eventually got out around 11.  See the previous day for the shenanigans between the boys in the tiny hot space called the living room of that apartment.  Today we drove to Cape Sagres - where Henry the Navigator's schools was - all the explorers went there - including Columbus after he was shipwrecked by pirates - it was also the known end of the world back during the Renaissance.  This was the spot that sailors looked out on and saw nothing but water.  They thought that literally somewhere on the horizon, the world ended or at the very least, sea monsters would eat your ship.

It was 95 in Lagos but about 75 in Sagres - cool and windy.  It’s only about an hour or so – maybe even shorter.  The temperature change was amazing in so many ways.

We walked around and checked out the area.  There was  a huge circle that may have been a sundial – or a large compass, or something else,.  We walked aloing the ramparts, taking in the views and the massive drops down from the cliffs.   There was also a lighthouse, which I was a little disappointed with but think I go some good shots of when a bunch of seagulls swarmed the area.  










After the lighthouse, Neil was getting cranky cause he was hot and hungry and Malcolm needed to nurse so they headed to he car and I checked out the small church and a few additional spots inside.  We all ate at the car and then headed to Cape St. Vincente.  Here was the other end of the world. The wind was crazy.  I found a geocache and then checked out the lighthouse while everyone hung out in the car. We got churros and some postcards and then took some pics by the cliffs.  Found another cache at the old castle on the way back to Lagos. Back in and headed to the apartment to get everyone naps and then go to the beach.

Yeah, that didn't fucking work.  Neil was almost out but I forgot to put his white noise on and when I did, I got to the end of the futon, he followed and the whole other end went in the fucking air with us almost falling off - then the speaker died because it wasn't plugged in. Jess and I switched. After about 15 minutes I got Malcolm dead asleep - but when I went to put him down, he got up and then stayed up - the end.  

Jess was already downstairs with Neil.  So, she made dinner - fresh red snapper which came out real nice and then some broccoli and leftover pizza for the boys.  We headed out for a walk around the town – the usual thing Jess and I would do at night when we would travel.

We stopped and got ice cream and cakes instead of booze. 





 Put the boys on the carousel.  





We walked down into the square and saw the street performer.  Neil paid and then then showed the guy his moves.  The crowd of course loved him as he whipped out some of his dance moves.  We walked a bit more, saw some random dogs and headed back to the apartment showered up the boys and hit the sack.

Yes, Tortugal.  We would have loved it - but the apartment was too small for the boys who were on top of each other.  It would have been fine for us to spend time walking around in the heat because we would have come back and taken a siesta in the AC and then got ready to do something else.  We would have enjoyed the town at night, getting some drinks, drinking on the street, hanging on the balcony and walking in to the main square to people watch and make fun of them.  

Now, we are other people's entertainment chasing two kids around and trying to keep them from killing one another - ok, keeping Neil from killing Malcolm?  Keep me from killing Neil?  Keeping Jess and I from killing one another?

Let me say, this is not a complaint and we did have a good time.  We've had an amazing time!  But it is so different traveling with two kids.  It really is the McNeill shitshow.  Jess says it is not like being on vacation for her.  She still has to cook and do laundry and clean.  I get to do the blog and play with the boys.  By play, she must mean chase them around and keep them from killing each other.