Thursday, July 2^nd and Friday, July 3^rd :  It can only get better, right?

After going in to work to help handle a possible political disaster, I headed home to help pack and get us ready.  This would be after the shit show that was July 1^st – and the destruction of my engine.  Yes, my car engine is shot.  I knew I was low on oil, but no lights had gone on at all.  When it started to flicker, I go in to the right lane, it poofed – I pulled over and it lost power.  My good buddy Rob met me at the shop – we tried a few things and the next day, the word came in – seized.  Gonna need a new engine – just what I wanted to deal with the day I am leaving for Europe.

We are trying to pack like mad because, well, we’re not ready to leave.  The boys are napping and Jess and I are trying to get it all done – well, she’s out trying to get a few things done and I am packing and making sure I got it all together.  I call my parents to let them know that we are going to be late and can’t have dinner.  We get the boys up, get them chanced and we are on the way.  It’s not too late and traffic is not too bad.  We switch from Jess’ car to theirs and we are on our way.

Despite having an assload of stuff, the airport wasn’t too bad.  They tell us that they think they may make us check Malcolm’s baby crib – and we’re like no.  We get through security with no issues and get to our gate. Some really nice British woman must have kicked her daughter out of the seat and Jess sat down to feed Malcolm.  Neil and I went to go buy burgers and fries – and the place took forever.  He started being a brat – wanting lemonade and not letting it go (that’s his new thing).  We get back to the gate with the food (like 20 minutes later) and Jess has Malcolm walking around.  The lady gives up her seat so Neil could eat his fries and we talk.  They were all really nice and it was their first time in NY – they packed a ton in to their five days.  They announce that it is time to go on the plane and we are one of the first on – oh wait, we are one of the first on to the bus to get to the plane (are we already in Europe?) The guy checking boarding passes says, “We’re going on a little adventure today!”  to which I reply, “It was adventure enough getting these two here…”

We get on the plane and Jess is working on getting the car seats in – they ask us to check them and we are like, NO – we bought the seats and they are sitting in their car seats.  This also included a 15 minute discussion of front vs rear facing and we had to do front facing, which could mean a repeat of the last trip.  If you didn’t read that one, that was the night Neil turned into Satan.

We finally get in our seats and the plane is filling up.  Neil wants to know when the TV is turning on.  I say a little while after we take off.  He asks again, every forty-five seconds or so for the next thirty minutes.  Then he wants to know if we’re flying yet.  No, not yet we didn’t take off.  “Are we flying now?”  No buddy, look out the window, we’re just moving so we can line up to take off.  “Are we flying now?”  No, we will tell you when we are getting ready to take off.  “Now?”

Malcolm is getting pissy in his seat and Jess takes him out and he will sit with her for the takeoff.  And the entire flight.  I’m sooooo glad we decided do buy him a three-hundredsomething dollar seat.  Now Malcolm is crying and he’s crying, for at least an hour, maybe more. 

Perhaps he’s possessed by the flight of Neil past.

He eventually calms down. 

Neil’s happy because he has TV.  I’m happy because Neil is watching TV, Jess has Malcolm and I can watch the Star Trek movie that is on.  Neil eventually has to go to the bathroom.  Which, we do with no issues.  Neil has no shoes on by the way, and I don’t care. 

He’s watching an assload of tv.  In fact, I think he has watched every free thing he could.  I try to make him watch the same Phineas and Ferb hoping he will get bored and want to sleep.  He watches it, like 4 times in a row.  He doesn’t care. 

His highness so doesn’t give a shit that he stays up to watch TV until 3 o’clock our time.  Yes, that’s right, 3 am.  It didn’t help that these shitheads didn’t turn the cabin lights off until probably 1:30/2 am our time.  We left at 10.  We finally shut it off.

He eventually starts to get cranky – “I want to sit with Mommy.”  Sorry, you can’t buddy, she has Malcolm.  “I want to sit with you.”  So I let him.  The sneaky shit, only wanted to sit with me so he could watch the TV of the guy in the aisle across from us.  That guy was watching American Sniper, so I was like, that’s not happening and I get him back in to his seat.  After trying to block his view of American Sniper for about 20 minutes, Satan returns…

“I don’t want you.  I don’t like you, I want Mommy.”  Mommy has Malcolm, Neil.  “I want Mommy…” Begin meltdown….

“I want Mommy, I don’t like you I want Mommy...I don’t want to be in this chair any more, it’s taking forever, I want Mommy….”  Now, I’m getting kicked and hit.  I don’t do well with that shit.

This went on for a while – at least the last hour of the flight.  I eventually let him back out and I think he sat next to Jess or at least go close to her.  She bribed him and told him that he would get him a toy if he went to sleep – which, he did.  The breakfast they gave us sucked.  It’s time for landing and I have the shit ass task of trying to get him back into his seat for landing.

 Jess did a really good job of catching the 10 minutes of sleep that I got.

Yeah, that didn’t go so well.  The second screaming bout started.  I felt bad for him, because he was delirious.  I also wanted to knock the shit out of him because he was so crazy, hitting and kicking and nasty.

After a nice smooth landing, it is time to get off the plane.  We wait for everyone to get off and then start, we’re the last ones off by a good ten minutes.  We’re trying to pack all the shit and Neil is climbing on the seats.  We finally get it all together and walk through the airport.  As we approach customs, we figure we took so long that we won’t have a big line. 

We’re right the line isn’t too bad.  As we get to the end of it, Neil says, “I don’t want to be here, it’s too freakin’ busy!”  We try not to burst out laughing.

Jess really needs to watch her language.

The line moves a little and they start putting other people to the front of it.  First it is people who are on the wrong line – they’re in the UK passport line but they don’t have them.  The agents puts them to the front of our line.  If you’re that big of a shithead, you should have to wait on our line too.  Then they start with bringing up people in wheelchairs and then an unaccompanied minor.  We’re at the 10 minute mark.  They are taking their sweet time.  There are at least three agents not doing a fucking thing.  One of the refugees from the other line that they put on ours, moved to the desk before they told her to.  The supervisor starts being really nasty to her, which I thought was uncalled for, she was Asian and barely spoke English.  

A few more wheelchair people jump in at the front and we’re at the 15 minute mark.  At this point, I am holding Neil and my back hurts.  I cut to the front of the line to sit in the chairs and give Neil some dinosaurs to keep him occupied.  There was a group of young American musicians who they were giving a hard time, moving them back and forth between places.  We are now 2^nd in line and it shouldn’t be long. 

They literally wheel up like 30 old people in wheelchairs.  What the fuck?!?!?!  Now I am wondering if Asschester is hosting the Geriatric ParaOlympics.  It takes like another 20 minutes before we can finally go through.  Only in Asschester would they be so disorganized.  This would never happen in Liverpool.

We get outside and go to wait in the sun for the bus to take us to the car rental village.  We get inside and they are taking forever.  They’re trying to get Jess to buy the insurance.  Neil and Malcolm play on the floor.  We eventually get out and get all our shit in the car.

We take the long ass drive to Edinstowe, the Woodman’s Cottage.  The boys sleep in the back and we laugh about it being “too freakin’ busy.”  We get to the place and meet up with Martin, the owner of the cottage.  We go and get lunch at the place down the street.  I’d like to tell you that Neil was good but he wasn’t.  I had my first fish & chips of the trip…

I wanted a beer but decided against it because I was so tired, I would have been more useless than usual.  Malcolm, of course, ate everything.  We finished up and then bummed around the apartment before deciding to head to the grocery store.

I tried to open the windows, but it looked like they needed keys.  I said this out loud.  Jess took that to mean that I needed the keys.  She put the keys for the car and the apartment, all of which are on the same ring on the stairs and didn’t tell me.    I left and closed the door and...we’re locked out.

I call Martin and there is no answer.  It’s worse, it’s making that noise that it makes when it doesn’t have access to the phone you are calling.

Jess started bugging out – probably just from stress – in the grand scheme of things, sure it is getting a little chilly, sure we won’t be able to lock the car door but is this really that serious?  Probably not, however, no sleep will do that to you.  She saw a door open across the street and knocks on it – the next day she tells me, “So, then a one eyed cat answered the door.”  Apparently, every town has a crazy cat lady.  This one, on oxygen had packs of cigarettes all over the apartment along with numerous cats.  The crazy cat lady let’s her use the phone and it is making the same noise.  Where the hell is this guy – it’s one thing not reaching him, it is another being off the grid when you have people renting a cottage from you.  The old lady says that she thinks he is a plumber and she is going to look for his other numbers.

Jess then knocks on the door of the woman next door.  She doesn’t have his number but she does offer to let us in.  Looking back, I’m glad we didn’t, she didn’t have a one eyed cat, amidst a herd of others.  Jess is really starting to stress and well up a little.  We decide on a plan B – in case this guy doesn’t call and we walk up in to town to kill some time. 

We stop at the co-op to get some water and a toy for Neil.  Jess promised him he could get something if he went to sleep on the plane, which he finally “did”.  We made it up to the library, Neil played with these stupid cheap ass cars, Malcolm slept and Jess stressed.  His highness then announced that he had to poop.  We went to the only restaurant that was near there – Kashmir Tandoori.  It was an Indian takeout that boasted: pizza, kebab and burgers.

I told the guy that we were locked out and my three year old needed to use the bathroom, would it be possible to use theirs?  He said sure and signaled for me to hand him Neil over the counter – to which I said, no, no, I need to go with him.  He told me to come around the back which we did.

We get in and Neil drops his pants and starts to take care of business, minor grunts and all.  There is no doubt in my mind that this is going to be the most horrible shit in history.  Neil's first buckshot - right in the heart of merry old England.  I'm already imagining the carnage and I am starting to dry heave a little.  I hate shit.

I start to look around for the toilet paper.  Did I mention that I hate shit?  There is nothing worse than pressing a digit into shit when you're changing a diaper.  You feel it, you know what it is and there's nothing you can do about it. With the way today is going, it is going to have to be a fucking horrible disgusting and messy shit that is going to come out of this kid. 

There’s no toilet paper holder.

I look around on the shelves for a roll.  I don’t see any.  Neil is happy because he’s taking the most massive and messy dump of his life and he won’t have to clean it.  I’m looking around and starting to get worried.  If this is the world’s most disgusting shit and there is no toilet paper, what is there?

I see some crumpled up blue paper towel looking things.  No fucking way.

I’m trying to remember what is in my pocket – I know there should be something.  I reach in and there is the pouch that holds my headphones.  Ok, there’s plan B but there has to be something else.

Bingo – the paper towel that I blew my nose in.  That’s right, I wiped his butt with it.  Desperate times call for desperate measures.  Father of the year right here. 

His highness announced that he is done and he get up to go through his butt wiping routine which is something akin to downward dog.  He goes to put his hands on the floor and I’m like, “No, the floor is wet,” and since they have no toilet paper, who knows what it on the floor.  “Ok, dude, put your hands on my shoes ONLY.”  He complied, for once on this trip and I got down to business.  I took in a breath and said a small prayer, I’m not even religious.  Worse, I fucking hate feces.  I don’t care that it is my child.  It is my child’s shit and shit is shit.  Shit makes me gag and there is no worse feeling than when you realize that you have stuck your thumb or some other digit in shit.

I get the paper ready and head in….

It’s the cleanest wipe ever!!!! 

What a good kid!  I start to think that things finally going our way, it won’t be long now.  We thank the guys at the takeout and had back outside.  A few minutes later, Martin calls and says he’s up in Sheffield but will send his father-in-law.  It will be about half an hour because he has to go to Marin’s house and then to the cottage.  We walk back and Peter meets us there a few minutes after we arrive.  After a few pleasantries and my paws on the keys, we head back to the kebab place to eat.  They did let Neil poop there after all.

We tried to get a shot of Mommy taking a baby wearing selfie - but she caught us.

We headed home and everyone ate – Neil got pizza, Jess was happy with some Indian dish.  We got everyone up to bed because after all that there was not going to be any bullshit with baths.  Jess couldn’t get Malcolm down, but I did and while she was in the room with Neil, he pulled the blinds off the window.  After some time, I went to sleep on the top bunk and finally hit a nice, deep sleep.  About two hours in, Neil wakes up and starts screaming again, “I want Mommy…” over and over again.  I went in to the other room and Jess had Malcolm on the bed with her.  We switched and then switched again at like 6 am when Malcolm wanted to eat.  I went back on the top bunk and we all slept until about 11.